Things that make me go ARGH...

As I sit on the train, next to a very nice looking lady who is eating what must be lead-plated cashew nuts judging by the sound of things, my mind is drawn to all the little annoyances that get me riled up. I'm normally a pretty happy-go-lucky kinda gal who takes life as it comes and tries to see the positive in things, but I do have certain buttons that are very easily triggered and result in me obviously not saying anything (awkward, British etc.) but becoming instantly full of white hot, intense rage. Here's just a taster...

Eating anything loudly

You do it, I (sometimes) do it, everybody does it. I hate it. The sound when someone is eating loudly actually makes me want to rip their eyes out. It's instant. I can be ridiculously calm one minute, but as soon as I clock it my insides go into turmoil. I never verbalise this to the offender, oh no. But if they look carefully at point of consumption, they'll see a little light in my eyes go out where I've gone off to my happy place in order to not commit what my sensible side would say is a very unjustified crime, but I challenge any jury in the land not to empathise when it's been a long day in the City and the guy opposite you insists on inhaling an apple.

Also in this box I'd like to put people who do that back-of-the-throat gagging thing (most common when eating a ham and mayonnaise sandwich, from my experience) and people who hack up what I'm guessing must be saliva or phlegm (just typing that word makes me die a bit inside) in the street, this is a particular hazard in Asian and Indonesian countries. I've no idea why.

People who can't spell my name

Please refer to my previous post here entitled, My Nemesis.

Tray tables on trains

These are disproportionately loud. That screech when you or someone first pulls it down. No need Network Rail, no need.

Most of my friends on Facebook

So I don't mean my actual friends. I mean the ones you went to school or used to work with, but haven't seen in 15 years and if you bumped into them the only reason you'd know what their name was is because you're 'friends on Facebook' and therefore have nothing to say to each other as you've seen it all already (typically, these friends also post every moment of their lives for people to read... OK, hold on... I'm undermining this blogging stuff a bit here aren't I...? Oops). That said, I think online communication is bloody brilliant and I tend to keep the “crazies” as FB friends anyway as it does brighten my day sometimes. However, for this one I've had to sub-categorise, it's THAT annoying to me...

• Attention seekers

Generally I think if you do something worthy of attention, you'll get it. I'm specifically talking about Facebook really. Myself and some of my friends post a fair bit on Facebook, but mostly it's laced with funny goings-on, wit and/or sarcasm, so I think that's OK.

We all have “those friends” who will put something ambiguous and expect to get lots of sympathetic posts in response. These posts usually go something like...

Attention seeker: “Devastated is not the word. I'm in shock.”

Enabler: “What's up, babe?”

Attention seeker: “It's OK, I don't want to talk about it on here. PM me.”

Why put it on Facebook then? WHY?

Also in this little box of passive aggressive tricks of mine is people who declare their love to their other halves for other peoples' benefit (for which it must be so, particularly if you live together). I'm talking about the soppy wall post...

Attention seeker: “I miss you [tag name] soooo much. Can't wait to have you home tomorrow morning even though you only left this evening.”

Surely, since you are living together, you have their phone number?

I have two married friends who a couple of years ago posted a minute-by-minute narrative, obviously tagging each other, on their Valentine's night meal – This all took place during the cooking of the bloody thing, the starter, main course, the lot. And then, after about an hour and a half of this performance, they both uploaded photos of their food (another hot topic of mine) and pictures of the table decorations, roses, chocolates etc. They must've been sat at the table the entire evening on their phones. I just don't get it.

But the last element that any Facebook attention seeking professional needs is, the ambiguous disease post...

Attention seeker: “I could be a little bit ill or it could be terminal but you won't know which because I'll just give hints of information so that you worry a bit, but really you won't as I do this every other week...”

I actually had a FB friend that checked-in at the hospital with the post “MRI.”

• Anyone “on route” to anywhere

En route. Please.

• Christmas is in December

You know the sort. You're the kind of person who does their Christmas shopping as close to the wire as possible and quite like that manic look in peoples' eyes when it's Christmas Eve and all that is left in WHSmiths is a couple of biros and last week's Take-A-Break. But there's someone on Facebook who posts in July that annoying picture that says how many (horrifyingly few) days it is to Christmas and then spends the next few months putting constant status updates of how well organised they are until eventually, around early October time, they post a picture of all their presents wrapped and in the corner waiting for the tree to be put up in a few weeks' time.

• You won't cure AIDS by liking a photo

Or save a soldier's life, or stop kitten cancer, or win a free iPad because “Apple” accidentally damaged some packaging that for some reason is no longer available despite them producing a gazillion pieces a year.

• People who announce culls

I usually block these people as soon as they're announced. I find the "if you can still see this you've made it!" statuses a bit too obnoxious.  

Those are just a few Facebook-isms that get on my nerves, but it does of course have positives of which there are plenty, so I'll just continue to be mildly amused and be glad that we're all able to share whatever we like with the world.

Those sodding Meerkats

I hate them. The only thing that stops me from hating them is that Simon Greenall does the voice (who you may remember from Alan Partridge).

People who stop dead in the street

When the flow of people traffic is moving along nice and steadily and then someone in front of you stops suddenly.

Made up words to sell you stuff

The Institute of Tricologists, Bifidus Regularis, Digestivum, Lactis, Actiregularis – You know the sort of adverts. They show a DNA style bit of animation and then use a (probably) made up word over the top of it to put the fear into each and every one of us that if we don't use that particular type of conditioner then our hair follicles will implode or if we don't eat that yoghurt 10 times a day then our stomachs will surely ingest themselves. No, no, no.

*I'd like to apologise to anyone who does indeed work for the Institute of Tricologists, but I ain't buying it.

I'm not being funny, buuuuuuut... 

 

Anyone who prefixes a statement with this introduction. Also lumped in with “I don't mean to be a pain, buuuuuuut...” and “I hate complaining, buuuuuut...” If you didn't like it, you wouldn't do it. Simples.